shehadistan

Bestellen kann man bei amazon ohne schlechtes Gewissen ja nichts mehr, was aber nicht verhindert, dass einem ab und an die vielleicht witzigsten Kunden-Rezensionen aller Zeiten in die Timeline gespült werden. Wer heute nochmal Tränen lachen will, der sollte sich die Kund_innen-Rückmeldungen zu „Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag“ zu Gemüte führen.

„This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess“ wird in der Produktbeschreibung gewarnt.

Die Folge: Ein Haufen Rezensionen sehr lustiger amazon-Hobby-Autor_innen, die sich unter anderem im Detail mit Flatulenzen beschäftigen. Sozusagen: Fantasie-Gastroenterologie.

„Oh man…words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear „Cleanse“. If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety…I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.“

„I bought one order for the Westboro Baptist Church as a donation because we all know how much God hates irregularity.“

„My experience is similar to others described here except I never ate any of the Gummi Bears of the Apocalypse; I only read reviews about them. Reimagine the corpse field scene in “Titanic” with Gummi Bears. If only these were clear, they could be used as prep for colonoscopies (at the doctor’s risk).“

„I type this as I sit in the smallest room in the house, the wallpaper theme of lighthouses and seagulls mocking me. The tiny carved soaps, for display only, and the towels reserved exclusively for guests, mere set decoration on the stage of my parting. I am at peace; I am ready to go. Had I read the reviews, I may not be in this predicament, but this is no time for regret. Like the Spartans at Thermopylae, though the battle was valiant, the ultimate result was determined before the first arrow was loosed. I shall resign myself to my fate.“